You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
