We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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