I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
