Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
