Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
