i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
