fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
