its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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