my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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