Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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