the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
