the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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