apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
