Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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