if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
