you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
