Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
