im having a threesome with these popsicles
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
