i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
