so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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