I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
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I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
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Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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