Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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