what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
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Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
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Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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