I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
