Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
