I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
