I wish my penis had an off switch
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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