Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
