I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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