Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
