fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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