Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
