I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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