I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
