apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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