I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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