she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
