Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
