I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
