Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Randomize
