So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
