So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
