I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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