omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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