1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
