last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Acid is not a monday night drug
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
