i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
