I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
