I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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