My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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