woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
