This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
