my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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