My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Sorry my hands just texted you
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
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