I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
tequila makes me forget i have legs
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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