the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
time to smoke my breakfast
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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