Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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