either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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